I know everyone goes through a moment in their lives where the measure their self worth. I am in one of those moments. I fell out of it, not myself, lonely. I have this need to be shown how one feels about me, not in the monetary sense, but in the physical and emotional sense. The way someone acts towards me shows me a lot of things. I am fairly good at reading people and I am very empathetic. i thrive so much on relationships, that when something starts to fall apart the ones who know me and love me can see it.

It's the little ways that show me. For instance I have friends who know me so well that they see me and just KNOW when something is wrong that they sit on the couch have me sit with them my head laying on their lap and they run their fingers through my hair.. To me that is relaxing and comforting.. We don't even have to talk to know that everything will be ok. I know this may seem weird to you but I have always been this way.

I feel like I have kind of slid off to the sidelines and am watching everyone else be happy and live their lives.. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for them to have their dreams come true or whatever the case may be :) I know I may seem a little paranoid wit hthings sometimes but it's just hard for me sometimes.. I am not trying to get pity or sympathy.. cause if that's all you're giving I don't want it.

Sometimes I can't just open up to someone for the fear of them looking at me as a weakling or an idiot. I am bad at wording things sometimes, who isn't?! I try so hard, in my own way to be there for everyone and at the end of the day hope that it's good enough. Am I good enough?? I don't know if I am or not.. I have made mistakes, I am not perfect, I hide things too jus like everyone else. I know everyone is different and has their own quirks and habits that will never change about them as do I... I hope to be the bigger person and just smile anyways so that noone sees it's just a mask..

I don't have a bad life. I have a wonderfl husband and two beautiful daughters that I was very lucky to be blessed with :) I will always love them no matter how much they may drive me insane :) I wish my oldest daughter would listen to me and do what she was told but I know that will never happen :P

As I take a step back and look on my life I see how lucky I really am, but I also see what could have been.. I don't really have any BIG regrets.. No matter what life hands me I am trying to be happy no matter what but I just don't know how to keep it going without falling apart at times. There are moments where I just want to hide in a closet but I can't cause my girls need me..

I don't exactly have the best relationship with my adopted mother, that's no secret. I just hope that when my girls become young women and start their own families that we have a good strong bond.. I want them to grow up and be happy and always feel that they can come to me no matter what and not be worried that I will tear them down or ridicule them for not being good enough. That they won't be afraid to come to me when they need help or just want me to b there to listen to what they have to say so that they can feel better about having a weight lifted off of them..

I want my friends to be this way too. I hope they feel they can always come to me, I don't if they do but I hope. I hope that they don't ever feel like I don't thing that their good enough.. Because I love all of them dearly and would just about anything for them.. I don't want to lose them and hope I never do :)

I am sorry I have ranted on for so long I just wanted this to be off of me, it doesn't really make me feel any better but it's out and that's all that matters. Noone has to comment or anything and don't worry I am not depressed I am just in a funk.

Love ya